In the 3 years that I have been blogging, I have never gone this long between posts. Sure, a month would occasionally slip by without any new content because #momlife. But 6 months? Never. I could never stay away that long; writing keeps me sane. It’s my outlet, the one thing that I do for ME. So no matter how crazy busy or hard or whatever life got, I would always find my way back here because I needed it. My thoughts get jumbled in my head and a lot of time they don’t come out of my mouth right, but I can always get them out in precisely the right way on paper (or screen, as it were).
And yet–6 months.
I can’t really say that I hit rock bottom, for I feel that I have been worse before. Perhaps it’s more that I hit the same bottom again, and it was one blow too many. Without diving into all the messy, personal details, I was depressed. Again. I felt hopeless, aimless, directionless, and just…tired. So very tired. Sometimes life just takes a lot of effort, and I felt I had no more to give. I didn’t have the energy to care about sharing stories of my life; especially since my life made me so sad. I didn’t have the energy to promote my blog and interact on social media; no one wants to interact with a storm cloud and I didn’t have it in me to pretend to be funny anymore.
I felt like a computer with a glitch. You know when a computer starts spazzing out and then eventually freezes and the only way to fix it is to restart it? Or some electronic do-dad isn’t working properly and you have to get a pin to stick in the tiny hole to push the even tinier reset button? That’s what I’ve been doing these 6 months: trying to find my reset button. I can’t continue grasping at straws with the sole intention of simply surviving each day. I’m done living in survival mode; I want to thrive, to live my life with intention, to be happy. But if I am going to do that, I have to reset myself first. Shut down completely and rest. Examine myself; figure out what is important to me, and how best to aim towards happiness.
I desperately need to change something because I am done being a hamster spinning in a wheel. So in an effort to step off the wheel, I have decided to step away from this blog.
Here’s the blunt and honest truth: this blog is a big, fat failure. It’s not working. Mostly because it lacks focus and purpose. I started it with the sole intention of it being an outlet for myself, then decided I wanted to be a proper blogger, and have ultimately realized that I suck at being a proper blogger. Out of my top 10 posts from 2017, 6 are baking posts, 2 are guest posts, 1 is a random Valentine’s day gift guide that I put together on a whim, and 1 is a motherhood post. And my total views for the entire year is only a bit over what I *should* be aiming to get every day in order for my blog to be “successful”.
Like I said: big, fat failure.
“Befriend failure. Embrace failure when she comes, and come to sit comfortably with her. Failure wants to be a kind teacher, a wise surgeon, a needed guide. Failure is a redirect, not a judge. Make failure your assistant–not your assessor. For all God’s children: hope always wraps it’s strong arm around every failure.” –Ann Voscamp
I am embracing this failure with open arms, because I have grown so much through it.
I do not know what I want to do with my life. I had been working on starting up a separate baking blog, so that is an option. I could always overhaul this site; rebrand, focus, niche, blah blah blah. I could become a hermit and write a book. But every time I pray for guidance from God, He always says the same thing: ‘cease striving’. Which is basically the most unhelpful thing you could say to a workaholic. I’m more of a ‘can’t stop, won’t stop’ type. But I’m desperate to get out of my hamster wheel, and the only way to do that is to stop running, let the wheel come to a halt while simultaneously flipping me over and onto my ass, get my bearings, and find my way to solid ground again.
So, after a year of being told to ‘cease striving’, I am finally ready to put up my white flag and surrender to God’s will, despite me not understanding it. I am going to do a factory reset on myself, getting rid of everything in order to find the bugs that are wreaking havoc. I will wait until God gives me the go ahead before diving head first into any major projects.
Since I am stepping away from my blog and not tearing it down, I will do the same for all my social media accounts. My blog, Facebook page, Pinterest, and Instagram account will all still be there. I’m just not going to be creating any new content for the blog or maintaining the social accounts. Instagram is the one exception because I will still be taking pictures of my adorable kids, so I might as well share them. But I will not be doing daily verses anymore, because it became a chore. If I share anything, I want it to come from the right heart. I’m throwing out all the blogging rules about how often one should or should not post to Instagram, and instead going to post when I feel like it. Some days there will be nothing, others there might be 2 or *gasp* 3 posts. It might be cute pictures, sassy mom memes, or inspirational content. My account will become a mystery flavored lollipop, and the only way you’ll know what you’re getting is to bite into it.
And then we shall see what happens. But I’m looking forward to discovering who this new me is. I’m entering a new decade (turned 30 this month, woo-hoo!), as well as a new calendar year, and I’m choosing to also make it a new phase of life.
Farewell for now, My Own Unexpected Journey. Perhaps we shall meet up again down the road. But if we don’t, then let me thank you for being the outlet I needed. It may have been a failure, but it was still a journey worth taking. Thank you to the few who came along with me. May God bless you and keep you always.