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WARNING: Although this post is completely sarcastic, it does contain spoilers. So if you’re planning on actually seeing this movie, don’t read this yet. Also, be prepared to grab a drink after you see it, because it’s the most downer of a film ever.

The Revenant

Ladies, if you are looking for a great date movie, look no further, for I found the ultimate one last night: The Revenant.

First of all, it’s nice and long: 2 1/2 hours. So you’re really going to get some quality time in with your man.

It opens with some pretty intense breathing which makes you question the motives of the guy sitting by himself behind you. He had looked innocent enough when you took your seats, but with him breathing down your neck in the dark, you are now convinced that you actually saw his face on the news last night. Don’t be alarmed: the poor guy is completely harmless. What you’re hearing is the chill inducing breath of your leading man, Leonardo Dicaprio, all broken and crackling, as if he has been smoking his whole life and is now on the verge of dying.

Which he is by the way–on the verge of dying. Throughout the whole movie. Spoiler alert: he never actually dies. Ever. Once he gets flung off of a cliff and breaks his fall with a thousand year old tree, I was kind of hoping for his sake that he was finally dead. Although seeing him suffer in incomprehensible ways for 2 1/2 hours really inspired me to live a joy-filled life.

Just kidding–it drove me to drink. Which is the precursor to any lovely romantic evening anyway, right?

The head of props needs to win an Oscar for their ability to acquire actual animal guts for this film without PETA burning them at the stake. There’s a lot of animal guts in this film. Like Leo straight up guts a horse on camera so he can sleep inside the carcass to stay warm for a night. I swear those had to be real horse insides. Did I mention that this movie is great for your diet? You’re not going to want to snack on anything while viewing that.

When the mama bear is tearing Leo to shreds, it encourages some snuggle time because you’ll be cringing at the reality of flesh being ripped open and blood gushing out. Snuggle time continues long after the bear is killed because Leo’s companions clumsily stitch him together with a thick, rusty needle.

Nothing softens my heart faster than watching a dying man pass out from pain.

There were many heart throb close ups of Leo’s handsome face covered in a matted, icy snot filled beard. By the 10th scene of his face turning purple from yet another raging blizzard, I was all, ‘Be still, my beating heart. You already have a husband.’

Plus there was the oh-so-romantic story line between Leo’s character and his dead wife. Due to the infection raging through his body and the repeated cases of hypothermia that somehow didn’t kill him, he kept having hallucinations of her hovering over him a la The Exorcist. You will also get the privilege of hearing her creepy whispering-in-Pawnee voice when you’re walking to your bedroom down the dark hallway later that night, because it gets drilled into your brain throughout the whole movie. As does Leo’s broken can’t-breathe-because-a-bear-clawed-my-throat-and-I-have-hypothermia-yet-am-still-alive breath.

I envy their other-worldly bond.

Then you finally get to the end, (Has it already been 2 1/2 hours? All of the endless wilderness shots that went on for an hour straight made it go by so fast), he gets his revenge on the despicable guy who killed his son in front of him while he was helpless after the bear fight. He then sees his dead wife one last time and she walks away from him. No, “Thank you for crawling through endless sub-zero forest with an infection to avenge our son. Good job, honey!” She just stares at him then walks away, leaving him to live his tormented immortal life alone.

Again–I wish I knew that kind of love.

Then they go for the kill shot–Leo looks directly into the camera, piercing your soul with his tormented I-want-to-die-but-just-can’t-help-but-keep-on-living glare, breathing down your neck again in crackles. His face (thankfully) fades out, but just to keep your blood cold, they keep the breathing running through the credits.

It really makes you think about the futility of life, which just gets me in the mood every time.

In the mood to drown my sorrows in wine and then have nightmares of Leo’s ghost wife hovering over me while I sleep that is.

I think I’ll change my desktop wallpaper to a shot of Leo’s face bear-clawed, icy snot filled face, because it is now my favorite romantic flick.

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