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Today is my 28th birthday. I’ve always liked to make a big deal out of birthdays. I wasn’t planning anything big for my birthday this year, but I was going to throw some decorations up and make myself an awesome Doctor Who cake to enjoy with my husband and my kids. But even that didn’t happen because sometime last night, some switch in me was triggered and I became sad and stressed. Dinner didn’t turn out exactly right, but I know that what I was feeling had nothing to do with dinner. I was hoping that I would feel better after getting some sleep; the baby even slept through the night for the first time in forever. Yet I woke up this morning feeling incredibly sad. Like crying uncontrollably on the couch with zero motivation to get up sad.

I have no idea why I feel so sad today.

There is no moment that I can point to and say, ‘here’s when it all started going down hill’. I am just completely depressed today, for seemingly no reason.

My life has been a roller coaster for the last 2 years. The majority of days I have felt like breaking down and crying, but had to keep the tears just behind my eyes because I have kids to take care of. One of my friends said that when one is so overwhelmed for so long, one doesn’t need a concrete reason to breakdown. The boiling water just splashes out uncontrollably at random moments.

Maybe that’s what happened to me. Maybe today was just a bad day and it just so happened to also be my birthday.

Or maybe it’s because today is my day. Today is the day when I can do what I want because it’s my birthday. I get to call the shots. So even though I had no intentions of throwing a pity party and crying the day away, that’s what I needed. Maybe since I have spent all of the last 2 years being everything to everyone, I needed a day to completely fall apart and for that to be okay to do. And quite frankly, I don’t really feel like celebrating this last year because it was incredibly hard and painful. I just want to move on to happier, healthier times. But in order to move on, I had to let go of all the tears I’ve been holding hostage right behind my eyes.

So I did not decorate the house. Nor did I make a cake. I allowed myself to feel all the hard feelings that I had been ignoring for far too long. I was horribly sad, and decided to be okay with it.

Because sadness is healthy. Because sadness is necessary. Because sadness allows us to work through the trials of life.

It’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to. Because I know that just because I’m sad right now does not mean that I will be sad forever.

Here’s to a much better year.

Join the discussion 6 Comments

  • Momma says:

    You are more than okay-and entitled-to take a day for yourself for whatever you need. Tomorrow is a fresh, new day my girl.
    I love you dearly <3

    "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy" Psalm 126:5

    Read this:

  • Maria G. Haro says:

    I felt your sadness when I was talking to you…It is good to cry when you fill sad as it seems that all the pain that you were holding finally gets out !!!
    Tomorrow is a new day and a new start…Be happy !!! … We love you a lot…. Nana

  • elizabeth959803 says:

    Well, bless your heart, Amanda! As a melancholy, dysthymic, cloudy person, I’ve had many birthdays like this. And this past Christmas was a day like this, too. I’m so sorry for you…and yet I think you are so right: sadness–and so many emotions other than happy and fine–are part of life on this earth, and part of who we are as complex creations of a complex Creator! It is okay to “give into” them sometimes…to let ourselves feel them and then, with hope, to move on at the right time. Belated birthday blessings to you, with prayers for many unexpected moments of joy and delight in the year ahead. P.S. I really hope you get to make and eat that cake soon.

    • Amanda says:

      Thank you for your kind words and support. I did get around to making myself a birthday cake when I was feeling up to it, and I’m so glad that I waited because it turned out amazing! If you’re interested, you can see it here on my blog; it’s the Doctor Who Cake: Tribute to Number 12 post. I pray that you too may come to a point where you accept all of the good feelings and sad feelings that make you the wonderful, complex, one of a kind YOU. God bless!

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