Today is my 28th birthday. I’ve always liked to make a big deal out of birthdays. I wasn’t planning anything big for my birthday this year, but I was going to throw some decorations up and make myself an awesome Doctor Who cake to enjoy with my husband and my kids. But even that didn’t happen because sometime last night, some switch in me was triggered and I became sad and stressed. Dinner didn’t turn out exactly right, but I know that what I was feeling had nothing to do with dinner. I was hoping that I would feel better after getting some sleep; the baby even slept through the night for the first time in forever. Yet I woke up this morning feeling incredibly sad. Like crying uncontrollably on the couch with zero motivation to get up sad.
I have no idea why I feel so sad today.
There is no moment that I can point to and say, ‘here’s when it all started going down hill’. I am just completely depressed today, for seemingly no reason.
My life has been a roller coaster for the last 2 years. The majority of days I have felt like breaking down and crying, but had to keep the tears just behind my eyes because I have kids to take care of. One of my friends said that when one is so overwhelmed for so long, one doesn’t need a concrete reason to breakdown. The boiling water just splashes out uncontrollably at random moments.
Maybe that’s what happened to me. Maybe today was just a bad day and it just so happened to also be my birthday.
Or maybe it’s because today is my day. Today is the day when I can do what I want because it’s my birthday. I get to call the shots. So even though I had no intentions of throwing a pity party and crying the day away, that’s what I needed. Maybe since I have spent all of the last 2 years being everything to everyone, I needed a day to completely fall apart and for that to be okay to do. And quite frankly, I don’t really feel like celebrating this last year because it was incredibly hard and painful. I just want to move on to happier, healthier times. But in order to move on, I had to let go of all the tears I’ve been holding hostage right behind my eyes.
So I did not decorate the house. Nor did I make a cake. I allowed myself to feel all the hard feelings that I had been ignoring for far too long. I was horribly sad, and decided to be okay with it.
Because sadness is healthy. Because sadness is necessary. Because sadness allows us to work through the trials of life.
It’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to. Because I know that just because I’m sad right now does not mean that I will be sad forever.
Here’s to a much better year.